Shit Bricks, or Part Two Might Not Come

I’ve been trying to get this done since the middle of June. I have not a fuck left to give to these bastards of the brick, let’s do this.

I’ll be discussing the… heavy sigh… “Sawaruita 587PCS Vehicles Building Blocks Set Educational Construction Building Toys for Kids Ages 6+ Creative Treasure Box Prizes (20 Sets A)“. Just rolls off the tongue. I’ve tackled stuff from Amazon with dubious handles like that one before but this is the one that will be ending that. It’s not the quality, the bricks are well made if, oddly, a little on the tight and loose side when you fiddling with them, only meaning that some joints are really strong while other connections just pop off. It’s the… unknown something.

You see, something which I assume came from the manufacturing process makes my hands itch horribly after handling them for ten minutes. After weeks of washing my hands and trying to work around this I finally had had enough and dumped the whole set into a bowl of cold, soapy water for an entire day. Never in my life have I seen a brick float and these things were all right up on the surface. The fact that any of them were at the bottom of the bowl was due entirely to the mass of crap piled on top.

Truly a stew of aggravation.

The best part? It didn’t do jack! After a rinse and a drying time of several days I started working with them again today and the itch was right there again within five minutes, now joined by disturbing deep-muscle finger pain. No, that’s it thank you, we’re done here. You don’t get the position, we won’t be calling you. Door’s that way. Whatever is up with these models, it’s a massive deal-breaker. There are two sets, teams, factions, whatever based solely on what the art says and it looks like I’m only doing one of them, which is a bit annoying because I didn’t even get to the dumbest model from this entire set.

That “team” which we’ll be having a look at is called the “SQUADS EXtreme changabLE” which is an outright lie because not all of them have the alternate 3-in-1 build style that these kind of sets love throwing around. There were originally going to be mini videos here to show each bot going through its paces but I don’t want my arms to melt off so I had to go with static photos which I think are boring but good for my health. Hover-text is included.

I suppose there are our Autobots then. I’m so sorry.

First is the simplest one to work with and my favorite aesthetically, Fighter “Batwings”. The names won’t get much better but that’s the least issue at hand. Batwings looks a lot like the flying HK units from the Terminator franchise and carries that feeling over into its Boston Dynamics-styled alt modes that only require fiddling with the limbs.

Next is Batwing’s chromatic sibling, Model “Dreamhigh”. “Platform”, “Roller”, “Tracker”, anything like that would fit but they chose “Model. Whatever. This is one of a few of the set’s minimalist builds which makes me wonder why it gets to have three modes while others with more bricks to work with got nothing. All it does is stand up in rough terrain and bend over to launch a rocket while killing the person driving it.

This next one is where I originally stopped to drop everything into that bowl so get ready for a lighting and camera change. Motor “Wildhorse” is, considering what I have to work with, one of the best looking models in this collection so it’s a shame that it’s first alt-mode holds together like crap and so shall not be making an appearance. It’s just got guns mounted on it with wrench-handlebars that simply do not stay on but I will pay respect to its slick cycle stylings that smoothly transition into a commendable Not-Claptrap. This is a thing that I would display.

Wildhorse also has a color-twin in Sleigh “Redfox” but the comparison stops there as these alt-modes aren’t as up to snuff. I’m not sure if that’s supposed to be a blocky robotic fox or some weird mustachioed rabbit-Mayor and I had to break it down to all the primary components to get it into that weird, hunched paddle-armed whatsit. There are not instructions for any of these alt-modes, only pictures so I had to eyeball it and I still don’t think I got it right.

These are Crane “Tai”, Rig “Scorpion”, and Rescue Car “Skyline”. They don’t have alt-modes. Scorpion was the model that required the assistance of an honest-to-God hammer and pair of pliers to put together so it’s extra naughty.

Ladder “Flame” is what I’m going to call the only other “true” changabLE on this team because a) I didn’t have to completely disassemble it to make a robot and b) it doesn’t look demented as frick. The head is clearly peeking out over the windshield but at this scale it’s a forgivable corner to cut. It took a lot of scrutiny and squinting but I did figure out how to make it do the Truck Man. There aren’t any arms but the curves of the main body brick paint a good illusion. It’s certainly better than whatever the AT-AT with moose antlers cosplaying as Probopass is supposed to be.

This bring us to the last two members of SQUADS EXtreme changabLE: the obligatory Dino-Nots. I’ll start with Mecha “Pterosauria”  because that’s the good one. In design it’s very similar to Batwings in that there’s almost no need to rearrange anything in order to pull off all three modes. Pterosaur, Turtle Dude, Stego-Walker, easy as pie. No complaints, I like it!

So why is the Grimlock stand-in so ass-tastic?! Mecha “Velocisaurus” isn’t the weakest design or changer between the two sets but MAN is it the worst of this bunch. Putting aside the fact that this velociraptor looks like a parasaur, its alt-mode are second only to a bot from the other team in terms of seriously-you-thought-this-was-good-enough-to-sell? Mode two is Lie Down Sleepytime and mode three is Upside-down Butt-cheek Mortars.

The editor appears to have rebelled against working with this material any further because Velocisaurus appears on the preview but not here in my work space, so to avoid doing anything that might muck up the entire post I’m going to end it here. Practice good judgement when buying stuff online, friends. If it’s giving you problems and nothing you’ve tried is fixing them, either return said stuff or launch it into the Sun.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s