This past Saturday, B-Movie TV’s Action Smacked ran the first in a series of new ideas in the form of “Failed TV Pilots”. The first feature was “Tag Team” which would have followed Roddy Piper and Jesse Ventura as Tricky Rick MacDonald and Billy The Body Youngblood, two former wrestlers who were barred for life after refusing to lose a match. As the show gets going the viewer is given the idea that it’ll be about them getting and then proceeding to fail at basically any job they can get to make rent each week but no, this turns into GOLD because it’s a Buddy-Cop show!
While shopping for groceries, Rick and Billy take out an entire band of armed robbers using a mix of wits and wrestling moves. Once the cops show up to haul the perps off one officer is a little confused by the two; he thought they were undercover units, but they’re just regular guys! Rick and Billy are easily convinced to join the force and breeze through training with the help of more wrestling moves and then move on to their first big assignment: protect a witness and get her to the courthouse! The bad guys show up and are met with POLICE WRESTLERS and it’s just the most glorious scene ever dreamed up in a writers meeting. I don’t know how this didn’t become one of the most popular television shows of all time.
But then, oh then… the second pilot started up after the host put out a big warning that it would be terrible. How terrible? Well, how does this sound? Over in Britain during the 90’s (I am absolutely not giving this the benefit of an IMDb search) some writers, producers, director, and actors got together and thought it would be a great idea to make a sitcom in the fashion of the 1950’s about a silly couple and their wacky neighbors. Oh, and it would be about Adolf Hitler. Heil Honey, I’m Home is simply awful even with it being set before World War 2 because once you get past the initial shock value of it being “I Love Lucy”, only with Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun, there’s absolutely nothing funny about it. The jokes and characters are all stupid, like the Hitlers having Jewish neighbors and the Chancellor of Britain stopping at one point to do the fucking Teapot Dance, and the show has nothing going for it other than, “Can you believe that we did this? LOL!”
Let me point out that Britain has the whole “Film Decency Code” and had the whole Video Nasties hubbub, but this got eight episodes. This shit should have remained lost for all time. I hate it but some of you are no doubt curious now. Allow me to cure that so that you will never be curious about anything else ever, ever again. God, I hate myself sometimes.
So what could possibly have followed that that would end up turning the night from, “WHY?”, to “The uncanny valley of eldritch nightmares”? Fucking. Poochinski. Those of you who pride yourselves as consumers of the weird and trashy are probably already familiar with that name but for everyone who isn’t, Poochinski was the pilot for a show that was supposed to be about a seasoned officer who dies in a hit-and-run when he and his partner end up in the usual criminal situation.
Prior to this, Poochinski finds a bulldog in an alley and decides to take it in as his own. Somehow the soul of the dying man is transferred into the bulldog so when it shows up later to chum it up with his partner at Poochinski’s own friggin’ funeral, the young guy has to get his head around the fact that his former ladies man, hard-drinking, flatulent senior officer is now a dog, and I have to say that, even for the time, the animatronics that they used for Poochinski scenes are fucking unnerving. It looks less like a talking, singing bulldog and more like something that might kill you in a pizza joint. I wanted to chuckle a few times but just the sight of that puppet strangled them. Never mind not aging well, Poochinski looked bad when it was born. It was on FOX though so it would probably have been axed even if it had been good.
So what do we take away from this? Well, I’m sure glad that Failed TV Pilots started off with the good one and got the other two out of the way. Another episode is in the works and I look forward to seeing more show ideas that were just too awesome for normal people or simply too terrible for anyone.