Preface: The standard format for Movigos fell apart here, this entry sat in my queue for weeks just mocking me so I activated “Petty Mode” and bite right back. It happens.
Damn it, Layne.
This past month the Movigos were coordinating our plans to come up with the best date to get together for a movie. Nobody had actually put forward any suggestions for what the movie should be. Layne brought a up a flick to me: had I heard of “Deadly Invasion“? I had not, but a monster-bees movie from 1995 sounded like a potential cheese mine. Being in charge of wrangling things at the time I put up a vote, “Yay or Nay for Bees?” Nobody voted or got back to me, I felt so American. So the planned Saturday came and we put on Deadly Invasion.
No emoji can properly convey my feelings. Layne had a ton of fun watching me squirm, though. A piece of garbage I hadn’t seen, he was happy as a kid in a candy store.
Deadly Invasion: The Killer Bee Nightmare (1995)
Director: Rockne S. O’Bannon
Writers: William Bast, Paul Huson & Rockne S. O’Bannon(“Steven Rae”)
Featuring:Robert Hays, Nancy Stafford, Gina Philips, Gregory Gordon, Whitney D. Porter
Production: St. Francis of Assisi Pictures/Von Zerneck Sertner Films/World International Network (WIN)
Major Threats: bees, being stupid around bees, being in a movie that goes out of its way to aggravate bees
I found this on Wikipedia while working on the entry:
The film opens in rural Texas. A police officer sees a car parked outside an abandoned farmhouse and stops to investigate. A hole has been ripped into one side of the house. He climbs inside and sees some bodies lying on the floor. He tries to wake them up before realizing they are dead. He is then attacked and killed by a swarm of bees.
The film then cuts to Blossom Meadow, California. The Ingram family has just moved there from Boston. Through a series of events, a huge swarm of killer bees invades the town and the family must work together to survive.
I could leave it at that and would very much like to; you wouldn’t have missed a thing. But that’s really not my shtick, is it? I have to break it down a little and poke fun at stuff. I will not be poking, I will be stabbing. I will say right now that I am not a fan of killer bug movies. Mutant killer bugs, giant killer bugs, giant prehistoric killer bugs, alien killer bugs, that stuff I’m all for, but when you make a horror/sci-fi movie about bugs and you present normal bugs? No. Normal bugs aren’t beastly once you’ve learned even the slightest thing about them.
But this isn’t a “bug” movie. this is a scare movie. Did some event in the news trigger panic? Let’s dial up the Evil Clown genre by a factor of nine! In case you aren’t in the know, Africanized Killer Bees, named so because they were the result of cross-breeding African Honey Bees and European Honey Bees in order to increase their honey production. When they were introduced into South America they instead aggressively took over habitat and proved too aggressive to work with because humanity doesn’t pay attention to the movies that we make. The bees gradually made their way North into Mexico and eventually parts of the southern United States. Cue the news coverage and public fear, and where there’s fear, there’s cash-in film-making.
So we already know about the House of Some Corpses in “30 Miles North of the Mexican Border, America” (I can’t narrow it down further than that because the picture quality was awful, causing the license plate of the patrol car to read f̷̹̯̠̼̙̰̦̪̩̼̖͇̏́̌͜ͅͅď̶͍͖̽̈́͆͂͑͂̿̚͝͝͝͠ͅg̸̡͙͙̱̿̓͐̚͝ḩ̴̧͓͎̱̻͍̰̱͚̳͉͛̔͜͜͝y̸͍̹͈̹̘̥̗͈͎̤͉̽̋͊͒̍̂͐͘̚͠t̶̡̤̜̤̠̝̝̰͓̑̉̅͆͗͑͗͒̋̉͗̋́͒̚ͅ.), let’s move on to Blossom Meadow, California (Will there be bees in this movie?) and meet the Ingram Family. There’s Chad (Rhymes with “Dad”, easy.) and Karen, the busy parents, son Kevin, daughter Tracy, and kid sister Lucy. There’s also a kid named Tom Redman who’s always around so I should probably include him.
The film is peppered with little plot points that become important in the climax such as a crawlspace under the Ingram’s new house and Lucy having asthma, but if I stop to give them all a spotlight I’ll be publishing this in 2023 because this is annoying enough as it is.
Combo Drive, Engage!
BAM! – Two high school students are speeding down the road, drunk boyfriend at the wheel and girlfriend flashing truckers. They stop at a billboard and start making out, constantly setting off the car horn. The way they’re both seated in the car makes this impossible, but a hive of Killer Bees behind the sign gets pissed off anyway and kills them when they freak out and drive down the highway in a car filled with bees while the fucking top is down until they crash into an on-coming truck.
Bonk! – A Weirdo Hippie Expert talks about BEEEES!
ZOW! – Chad’s sister is getting married but the festivities are assaulted by BEEEES!
WHAM! – The town fair is assaulted by BEEEES!
Now that all of the padding is out of the way we can get to the real padding of this mess. Killer bees get into the town hives and now all of the bees are instantly killer bees because that’s how it works when you want to scare dumb people. There are hives filling the trees of an orchard near the Ingram’s home. Tom bikes over there with a shotgun to teach the bees a lesson while Kevin tries to talk some fucking sense into him. The resulting sequence of Tom blasting Killer Bee hives tells me that he has a bright future in the glue-eating industry.
So of course a massive horde of BEEEES follows the panicked boys back to the house and besieges the entire family, trapping them inside the house. They start getting in through the chimney, the wiring, the sinks, the attic, wormholes, disguised as a bunch of bees in a trench coat, pretending to be the mailman, and through any other contrived way that was good enough for The Blob. Tom goes from shotgun-blasting power-penis to a sniveling coward in second, Kevin gets trapped in the attic but survives by falling into the bathroom and hiding in the tub (Does the family just keep the tub full at all times?), Lucy has an asthma attack so Chad races to the car to get her inhaler, and the family eventually makes it to the basement and escapes through that old crawlspace.
The authorities smoke out the house, remove the bees, and everyone lives happily ever after. The End. Do not watch movie, do not pass Go, thank me later.
“I dunno what I watched. I also dunno how the heck anyone in America survived. Surely the bees would have taken over by now. Unless Trump is a bee in disguise… No that can’t be right, everyone loves bees.” Rating: 3/10
“I had an UberEats fiasco. But I saw the bees and they scared me. I hate bees.” Rating: 5/10
“I keep losing my train of thought because I’m so very mad at this movie both as a piece of cinema and as a thing created by fellow humans. But in order to appreciate the good trash you have to dig through the bad trash.” Rating: 1/10
“Star studded cast, a lesson in acting from the Masters of their craft. Through-the-roof budget makes a marvel movie look like a made for TV film. All around beelievable.” Rating: 10/10
Collaborative Average Rating: 4.75 (A dull buzz)
Movigos will be taking July off due to everyone having a packed schedule this month. We will be back in August. Have a great month!