(Uuug…) Watching with Alex, Episode 21: Boring Bugs

Bug Bites: An Ant’s Life [1998]
Written by: Michael Schelp
Featuring: Claudine Ohayon, Corinne Orr, Jean Richards & Larry Robinson
Produced by: Michael Schelp
Spark Plug Entertainment
Category: “Kids can’t tell the difference, right?” Animation

This “movie” is twenty-five minutes long. In that twenty-five minutes, perhaps five minutes worth of “plot” happens. That five minutes worth of plot has the dragging power of a 1950s-era science fiction movie in which all of the droning technobabble and ineffective investigative work I just watched feels like it ought to have reached at least the half-hour mark when really only fourteen minutes has elapsed. The last twenty films we have had a look at have been either bad or weird to varying degrees but there has always been entertainment to squeeze out and enjoy in a tall glass with a Silly Straw. Grab a water bottle dear readers because Bug Bites: An Ant’s Life is completely and utterly dry.

First we meet Sal the Caterpillar. Sal’s character arc consists entirely of being scared and making an “EE-URR-EE-URR” noise when he crawls while some geckos try to eat him. Gecko One and Gecko Two spend the film trying to eat Sal and talking in a manner that suggests they might be heavily stoned. These are probably the only two reptiles in history that I don’t like.

Then we have our ants, Didi, Rose, and “Thang”. I don’t recall if “thang” was a slang term in the late ’90s or not but that’s a really weird name choice to go with since every other chara- *ahem* voiced thing we’ll encounter all have the standard kind. Anyway, Thang is orange, Rose is purple (Really, purple? Not even a single fuck given towards wit?), and Didi is brown. Beyond that they’re just the same model and character. The only bit of child-like glee I feel stems from the fact that the model design reminded me of the Cootie Bugs from the game of the same name.

Seriously, that’s some solid gold right there. In fact if you were unfortunate enough to not have Cootie Bugs as a kid, stop reading this right now and go pick it up at a Target or Wal-Mart or wherever and play it with your kids or friends. You can come back and pick up where you left off but I won’t blame you if you don’t.

Cooties_1
The Shit.

So the three come to Sal’s aid since he’s now sitting out in the open. Forget that we saw him hiding in the foliage; that never happened. When asked why he can’t crawl back to the cover, he glumly replied, “Geckos. Lizards from Malaysia.” This starts Rose and Didi on about how sick they are of “…these non-native species just waltzing in.”, and, “They don’t want a niche, they want the whole ecosystem!” We aren’t even three minutes into this and I’m both wondering what this exchange is doing in a kid’s movie and if it was meant in a save-the-environment way and not supposed to be horribly prophetic. Then they just leave him there.

Prophetic. Definitely prophetic.

Then Josephine flies into the picture. She’s a Queen Ant searching for a nest site and boy is she glad to have found the girls out wandering because she’s in need of help getting her new hill started. We’re never told if they had a nest of their own but I’d imaging Didi and Rose were kicked out for being Capital C and Thang was the friend who went along out of guilt. The movie will now cut between Sal avoiding the Geckos and becoming a moth, the girls collecting food for Josephine’s new colony, and a mantis named Gigi popping up every now and then as a Deus ex Machina. Hey, Antz had a mantis so it must be good! Also, a villain will be revealed because conflict. I had to watch this again to get my facts straight and now I’m going to Target.


Favored Ability: ASS. This is a Rogue in curly bells shoes.

Rating: 0/5 (Hates Bunnies) [ERROR: Negative >5]

From Mockbuster.Wikia.Com:

Bug Bites: An Ant’s Life is a mockbuster made in 1998. It was the first 3D mockbuster and also the first made by Sterling Entertainment, Spark Plug Entertainment, and Michael Schelp. It is criticized for being a rip-off of A Bug’s Life and Antz.

I have changed my mind and will retroactively bump The Wrecking Crew vs The Zombies up to a rating of “2” because at least that was goofy and had zombie killing in it. Bug Bites: An Ant’s Life has nothing. This film is best experienced in one’s bathroom, ideally while seated on the toilet with a really bad stomach. The animation is animated in the sense that stuff moves around, the textures are abysmal, the characters spend most of their time just walking around to phoned-in music to fill out the run time, and the whole thing depends on the gullibility of adults and a child’s inability to understand terms like “counterfeit” or “infringement”.

Also the image search results during my research yielded three pictures of the cover art and everything else was horrible insect bites, so fuck ants.

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