Lame Toys with Alex, Part 10: Brave Knights Action Pack!

You can always count on the local Dollar General having something hiding among the shelves that is totally bonkers. I saw these “Brave Knights” hanging on the side of an aisle and just could not resist the crap factor, the package is so loud and obnoxious. “BRAVE KNIGHTS“, “REALISTIC 15TH CENTURY KNIGHTS“, “2 STYLES!”.

Brave Knights

Well okay, I’ll try and give you two the benefit of the doubt. Your armor molds are fairly impressive with the chain mail and sculpted plates, the filigree and noble crests and whatnot. Even the helmets are kind of all right even if they look too narrow to hold a head. There’s a round shield featuring a griffin and a diamond shield with. . toothpaste thingys, and two weapons, so you’re a complete set. So let’s get you out and ha-

Brave Knights React
Oh, no. No. NO!

Holy shit, you guys! This is not the way you do it, fucking hell! You two feel TERRIBLE. There’s no weight to you at all. Wait are you hollow? You are, I can hear it! Prayers are holding your bodies together, what are you made out of; what is that smell? Should I even be hold you?!

Super, now I have to make a whole entry based on your sorry asses. Fine, you with the crown, you’re “Arthur”, and the other guy can be “Lancelot”. Now let me put on my mystic’s cap and tell the folks at home why you’re complete garbage.

Right out of the pack Lancelot’s legs immediately twisted inwards of their own accord just from being picked up, giving the impression that he had to take a piss really bad. Arthur was able to present himself in a more stately manner by only having his head spin around backwards. A truly wise warrior watches his flanks on the battlefield. It doesn’t even take a long inspection to find other faults in their manners. Look at all these bore holes to save on plastic. These figures are already hollow and they took out more material! Lancelot’s even got an extra one in his head. Does his head not spin because it’s lighter, or does Arthur’s spin because it’s heavier?

I’ve had enough of these two already, let’s move on to their gear. The first object that youSword Of can barely make out is the sword. I don’t know how they managed to make an accessory out of nothing that manages to stay together, it just isn’t a proper “play” sword because I’m willing to bet it’ll snap the first time I try stabbing a clay monster with it. Arthur can only just hold the sword because the handle is wider than the holes in either figure’s hands. Even the shield just sit there balanced on the fingers. The bigger shield has the same issue but is also way out of proportion with the sword in comparison to Arthur.

 

I’ve had enough of these two already, let’s move on to their gear. The first object that you can barely make out is the sword. I don’t know how they managed to make an accessory out of nothing that manages to stay together, it just isn’t a proper “play” sword because I’m willing to bet it’ll snap the first time I try stabbing a clay monster with it. Arthur can only just hold the sword because the handle is wider than the holes in either figure’s hands. Even the shield just sit there balanced on the fingers. The bigger shield has the same issue but is also way out of proportion with the sword in comparison to Arthur.

Oh, and speaking of out-of-proportion, have a look at this:

Crossbow
WTF!

Look at that huge friggin’ crossbow! No, that’s not even a crossbow, it’s a damn ballista. Lancelot can barely hold the thing and it’s almost bigger than he is. He certain has no hope of standing while holding it upright. Also, we really need to address the issue with your legs, Lancelot. Specifically, the fact that you now have two right feet, neither of which is fully painted.

So this is the hunk of junk that is the Brave Knights Action Pack. I know that others have surely seen them in that particular Dollar General location but I can’t imagine that anybody else would unironically ever buy these thing for their actual kids. As a warning, I present you, dear reader, with this PSA (turn up the volume!):

And wouldn’t you know it, we have a special company to thank for all of this. Those who run around in the Toy Review crowd might know of these folks, for they bring nothing but garbage to the table. Poor plastic, poor quality, poor packaging. Oh yes:

Funtastic Knights
Thus did I have my first encounter with the beast.

That jester hat couldn’t be more fitting in this instance as it belong on both Arthur and Lancelot. And that, reader, is the bundle that is Brave Knights Action Pack. Should I even hope there was enjoyment to be had in them, is that even fair to you?

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