(Weird) Watching with Alex, Episode 2: Dead on their Bigfeet

Bigfoot vs Zombies [2016]
Directed/Written by: Mark Polonia
Featuring: James Carolus, Todd Carpenter, Bob Dennis
Cinegraphic Productions LLC & Polonia Brothers Productions
(https://www.linkedin.com/in/markpolonia)
Film Cover Image © Cinegraphic Productions – 2016
Category: Independent horror feature

If you aren’t a seasoned viewer of B-grade schlock, welcome to your introduction to the work of the Polonia brothers! Mark and the late John (rest in peace, man) have produced some of the weirdest and dumbest movies that I’ve ever seen but they do so with such enthusiasm and fun that I can’t help but revel in the lunacy right along with them. For today’s feature, we’ll be taking a look at one of the studio’s newer (so it’s, like, better?) films: Bigfoot vs Zombies.

Read that title and look at that poster cover. How would that not grab you immediately? I hit play on Amazon without a second thought but when that distinct musical style started up and “A Polonia Brothers Studio Production” appeared on the screen, the cackling started in earnest because I knew this was going to be something I’d get from no other company.

The story revolves around a forensic body farm, a serum of classically mad science proportions, and the poorly chosen dumping of toxic waste. The zombies practically write themselves but what about Bigfoot? Well, it’s just kind of… there, and what a Bigfoot it is, too. It has a gorilla-ish head, monster hands (One of which actually IS a monster, a puppet from a much earlier Polonia film that we will visit later.), and a really mean rash on its chest; I still can’t figure out what that bit’s all about.

Whereas the zombies want to feast on flesh, Bigfoot wants to protect his newfound friends. Well actually he kills a bunch of people but decides that a few of them are all right in that King-Kong-likes-them-short kind of way. I do have to give credit to the zombies as well because they range from the standard Green Man to a hilarious skull-headed flannel thing that looks like a fun drinking buddy.

You may have noticed that I haven’t touched upon the actual characters or acting at all. That’s because I’m having a really hard time trying to convey in words that which must be seen and heard to be truly understood. The (implied) sex scene in particular is a riot. The characters in Polonia movies are usually easily summed up with small words. You have the main two guys, Bashful and Asshole; the scientists, Chick-Nerd and Old Guy, plus Henchman #1 and Security Guy; and The Bastard Huntsman. There isn’t a scene that goes by where somebody almost breaks character with a smirk and it’s very clear that this was a fun production to be part of.

Favored Ability: STR. This movie will be too busy beating you over the head for you to even think about or question it.

Rating: 3/5 (Average) [+1 Bigfoot, +1 Polonia Power, +1 Dollar Store Burt Gummer]
Even though I spent much of the running time laughing, this still feels like two movies involved in a head-on collision. I have no problem with the idea of Bigfoot beating the crap out of the undead but from start to finish it never feels like the glue finished drying. Bigfoot vs Zombies goes for the outrageous and that weakens it as, without Bigfoot jammed in like an incorrect puzzle piece, the narrative would have worked just fine as a straight zombie flick. The hammy acting and effects kept me entertained but I still kept asking, “Why the Bigfoot?” I suppose the answer might have been, “Why not?”

Bigfoot vs Zombies is available on Amazon & streaming video through Amazon & Amazon Prime.

 

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